The end of 2022 was a major trial so for the beginning of January I made a resolution: to treat every day like Christmas Day, my rationale for conducting myself in this way grounded in the idea that, somehow, by anticipating every day the sense of anxiety that end-of-year 2022 inspired I might circumvent or otherwise side-step a malaise so pervasive it made me miserable for 10 days leading up to the day after Boxing Day.
This kind of response felt justified.
I wasn’t making it up, it was real because when I went to bed my chest hurt and I had to lie on my back to fall asleep. I made an appointment to visit my GP when a day the following week (Fri 13 Jan) arrived, because on that day I had to be in Pyrmont anyway to go and pick up some shorts from the tailor’s. I had been at his shop on Thurs 5 Jan to drop off shorts, and on that day also I paid him the $60 the adjustment would cost. Taking advantage of the opportunity I popped into the barber’s and had my hair cut because a friend wanted me to meet her parents who were visiting from China. Making good use of the tram fare I went to the Fish Market and bought supplies, then headed down to Broadway Shopping Centre to pick up mail and go to Coles.
The next day (Fri) I met the parents. Her father has an amazing machine on his phone that simultaneously translates what people say into Chinese so he can read it. It also has an earpiece you can use to listen to a translation of what he says in his native language. I was astonished at how accurate the software was when it was used to conduct a conversation. We’d started off with Ming accusing her father of refusing to take the government’s free language lessons, I told Wenjian you can’t be friends with a phone, and we all laughed because so many people seem to be.
By this time Ming and Omer were staying at my place, I’d had a Moroccan houseguest from Canada in the spare room at the back on the first floor but he left on 4 Jan. Ali was very quiet, I hardly noticed he was in the house, he took his meals on the front veranda and when he wasn’t in his room he was out the front in a chair or else completely out of the house. Ali is a friend of a friend and he paid rent that helped me budget when you’re my age every little bit helps earning capacity limited so you watch every dollar scrounge scrimp.
On Sat 7 Jan the weather was bad early on and the pool maintenance guy was due but due to rain the gardener, a young chap who I got in touch on Nextdoor, couldn’t come out to clip the front lawn, which had grown unkempt. The pool guy at my front gate at the precise moment I drove up to my house in my car having dropped Ming and Omer off at her flat on the other side of the airport.
Another thing I did on this day was to think about organising some family photos after I got notification that photo frames I’d sent to Japan had arrived. When this came through on my phone I went upstairs to prepare for shipment photo frames mum had had in her apartment containing family photos, I thought my daughter or ex-wife might like to have them in either of their houses so the baby, once he/she had grown big enough to recognise faces and put a name to them, might get to know members of the family in Australia. Some photo frames I resolved to take to Richmond to have D-rings put in, and I prepared these in a box at the top of the garage stairs so I wouldn’t forget them before leaving.
Keeping my pledge to treat every day like Xmas I felt inspired to do something about all the family photos I had in cabinets. The idea came from 2022 as one year I’d bought photo albums so that I could organise photos properly but never got around to it. While looking through some having taken = frames out of drawers I came across a black album, a very small book, which had in it very old photos being ones mum had used prior to 2014 to make blown-up prints so that she could get xthem framed to put up on the walls in her apartment in Queensland. I’ve mentioned these enlargements before in annual memorials but on this day felt surprised by seeing the originals, when I moved south to Pyrmont they were sitting in a cupboard but in Botany I have more space so put them up on the walls to share with people who visited nothing I like more than sharing images with people look at this this is my uncle this is a man whose name I don’t know this in Uncle Whitey.
One of the framed enlargements shows two women in long woollen coats and on the back of the small original it says “May 1940” but unfortunately no names, I’d tried asking cousin Trish Allen who the two people in the photo are but alas she hadn’t been able to help Trish lives in Perth very senior hardly goes out but has family looking after her I emailed her from time to time with news. I resolved to get back to sorting out the photos putting them into albums once I summoned up the willpower so that the generations coming after me wouldn’t have similar disappointments, the feeling of not knowing though I should know now the feeling sometimes came back to me adding to accumulated sadness press of years bequeathed to me living now in 2023 it’s impossible to think of the time past. The time will come when I’ll be dust nothing more than a memory then those who remember me will also die and turn to ruin and go awy.
Endless sadness.
It’s highly likely that when mum and I were living in Queensland in a small country town I’d asked her who the women were, but though she would’ve answered me I made no note of their names and just let the information vanish into air. Gone.
On the same day I had an Eastern Suburbs Art Group meeting to go to and when dropping other participants off at Redfern Station the rear right-hand passenger door wouldn’t open from the inside so the next day I booked the car in for repair.
On 8 Jan I picked up a coffee filter basket from Broadway Shopping Centre where my PO box is I’d bought the basket online the previous week and it arrived within a few days from Corrimal near Wollongong packed in a cardboard box. I then caught a bus into town and went to Abbey’s Bookshop to buy things before meeting with friends for coffee in the Rocks. Afterward we went to Darling Harbour for seafood then Ming, Omer and I came back to Botany leaving Ming’s parents to go to Wolli Creek where her apartment is. The two of them had been staying there since the week prior on a visit from China, and my friends were staying in my house. Omer and I gave the coffee machine a spring clean when we got home to celebrate the arrival of the new kit, which cost about $45 but this expense trumped getting a new machine which would’ve doubled that.
The next day the cleaners were due to arrive so I put sheets in the washing machine, the day being sunny and suitable for laundry. Went to Watsons Bay with Ming and her family (see photo above). The following day I took the car to be cleaned and while at Broadway SC got a message from my former wife asking if I could get clothes for our daughter as finding maternity wear in Japan to fit her was a difficulty. I immediately jumped on a bus and caught it into Railway Square, hopped on the light rail, and went to Myer where I consulted with Yukiko using Facebook Messenger’s video tool while looking over things the sales assistants offered as potential candidates for purchase.
The next day I posted the items I bought.
On Thursday 12 Jan I took the car to the dealership and found after being shown that someone had flipped the child-safety switch to “on”. I reversed the switch and asked them also to turn “off” the control that automatically locks the car doors when the RAV4 hits 25km/h, a “feature” that had caused me considerable embarrassment with the art group. One of the staff told me that such things had “crept in” to cars all over the world and that all manufacturers included them nowadays.
On the Friday I went to Pyrmont to visit the tailor’s and pick up the shorts I’d left that had been made smaller, while there also going to the GP to discuss the problem I’d had with my heart over the Xmas period. Dr Nanda agreed with me that it’d been caused by anxiety and said that at that time of year they do get such presentations.
In the evening I saw a comment from someone on Twitter about a book of mine I had and I offered to send it to him in Caboolture if he sent the postage fee but when I looked for it on Saturday before a party Omer invited me to I couldn’t find it so gave up trying to be generous and left the matter the party at an old friend’s house but he’d stopped talking to me so Omer had invited me along instead. We didn’t stay long maybe a couple of hours and when I got home I watched TV as usual. I was addicted to the kind of stupid crime drama mum enjoyed, I remember her, when I was a boy, watching ‘Hawaii Five-0’ another dumb police procedural with a ludicrous, happy success rate, a new murder every week and solution available within an hour for crying out loud. There is something restful about such shows, you don’t have to think about friends who leave you for dead, you can even stop thinking about the manager-from-Hell or the impending blood test. We have so little faith in the judicial system we need entertainment to tell us it’s all working fine, we need the reassurance of pabulum served up fresh each night because the world obviously doesn’t reward virtue and it certainly doesn’t punish vice.
There’s always something for us to contend with like an unexpected bill or a bomb dropped from a jet fighter. On Monday 16 I resolved to read out a poem titled ‘The businessman’ for the next poetry reading I went to prepared, I would print out a poem to read and put it in my pocket ready to use to entertain the gathered, the last time in Petersham my work had been called “short and sweet” so there was some encouragement at least, I was turning over a new leaf treating every day like Christmas but I anticipated more heartache at the end of the year.
People let you down. In the end all would let you down in one way or another you just had to find ways to get by but I had been through worse though at a younger age when I was better able to withstand the shocks meted out by fate and the casual vagaries of an obstructive universe, adversity masquerading as bad intent. On 18 Jan again I woke up feeling depressed though when I put it into words it seems more manageable than critical, I remembered the lyrics from ‘The Logical Song’ by Electric Light Orchestra poppy vapid tune it’s endearing how these remnants from the past survive like those crime dramas where when the killer is thematically introduced you hear the soundtrack switch over very faintly to something resembling a nursery rhyme, tender but distorted I know I know ‘Hawaii Five-0’ again it’s just my imagination running away with me.
My ghosting friend likes pub rock. People drop out of the loop they’re replaced by new friends Hah! The guy who writes poems about his children, the last poem about his daughter he’d sent her a T-shirt that she’d liked. Feelings slot into the accustomed place click my work ‘Tick tick boom’ a killer Queensland frontier state no respect for the law anything goes it was across the border Nathaniel Train ambushed shot two police killed macabre murder most foul cop-killer oh not a normal plot line for a crime drama usually it’s a housewife or an office colleague sets in Train in motion my watercolour I was intrigued by Jeffrey Dahmer also unlike killing for money money you can understand why do people kill for the sake of it? I woke up feeling bad, things made worse the next day because though it was overcast – it had rained overnight – someone was mowing their lawn and a mechanical sound poisoned the atmosphere. I thought about how this was a burden I couldn’t share even though I’d told Ming about it, this was like a curse.
By 18 Jan the clothes I’d bought for my daughter had arrived in Japan but were still to be house-delivered. I’d also added Posca to a couple of old works from December, ones done on the cheap 200gsm paper that had curled, I hadn’t thrown the things out and now pulled ‘em out, one titled ‘Vera Stanhope’ stupid crime drama here dark blue-grey pen marks and another titled ‘Automobile’ mauve pen marks, mark making nowadays in the art world you don’t draw not drawing anymore you make marks cooking shows you don’t use flour now it’s coconut powder something gluten free we’ve changed different 15 years ago 30 years back watched ‘Iron Chef’ in Japan reality TV cooking show breaking new ground I loved colours as I added marks and promised to do them for works I’d left at the framer’s but that hadn’t been completed yet she hadn’t contacted me what had been done she said she’d be back at work on 9 Jan.
The framer last contacted me a month before (give or take a couple of days) it was in December the year gone these barriers overcoming adversity jumping the shark and on the day I updated my phone, a day when aircraft were again coming into land, their crumbling noise their pollution reverberating in the overcast, Amanda still hadn’t got in touch.
I messaged her the next day, on 19 Jan. They’d announced that a new road tunnel was going to open at the end of the week 3am or something uncivilised by that time even I give up watching stupid crime dramas nothing on anyway only commercials selling massage chairs God what a drag go to bed. The new piece of civil infrastructure installed by a Coalition government promised to make people’s lives easier helping them get from the west to the airport off local roads traffic lights delays congestion time wasted we waste time on stupid crime dramas anyway. My recalcitrant friend supported the Labor Party so I promised myself the pleasure of doing everything in my power to make sure that the scoundrels didn’t get elected, the election in March not too soon to do a little victory dance, this was so childish like your football team winning so you can dance in the streets! Making noise on the train escalator pumping your fist celebrating like some rude boy we used to call them westies not anymore my friend grew up in Westmead it’s full of Indians out there now things change they never stay the same change should be welcomed means evil passes good comes over the rainbow where I’ll be.
Childish, for sure. The software update ended but the whipper snipper was still doing its thing, a poison to counter its effect in my acid mind then in real life I repotted the monstera using a square pot, eventually got the thing out of ceramic pot which came with the young plant when I’d bought it the year before I wrote about that acquisition I think or not I can’t remember I forget so many things like the guy on ‘Lewis’ the night before an Oxford don who’d been employed under false pretences his memory flimsy in old age still a name above his door but a skeleton in the closet. In the past few weeks a dementia drug had been announced I remembered when mum had got her diagnosis the geriatrician had said that my generation wouldn’t have to live with the disease like hers, maybe maybe glancing light like sunlight caught in a train window trees flashing past outside.
I watched parts of ‘Kavanagh QC’ in the evening and the next day the pool maintenance guy rocked up he’d messaged me his expected arrival time but only after 11pm so I was unconscious asleep. The doorbell rang at about 8am and I was upstairs having just got up, not yet dressed, so I told Joe I’d come down to let him in that I’d open the gate, after pressing the screen field to unlock the front gate I heard with satisfaction the little “click” come through the intercom and so put on clothes, a blue shirt, went down sans socks opened the front door. Joe told me later that after backwashing to empty rainwater out of the pool I should put the control for it to “rinse” it’s a turn of the pump handle next to “filter” I thought to myself that it would be a small miracle if I remembered the instructions but because it’d be better for the pool I admonished myself technology so complex you have to press this button flip that switch rotate the knob one “click” into place I walked down the corridor behind Joe and thought about the gardener scheduled to come at 3pm would I be at home what would Ming want me to do, the night before I’d not gone to a poetry reading and instead had driven Ming to yoga parking for a moment in a “no stopping” zone so many people go to the centre to relax after work it’s always crowded for the late sessions oh.
Amanda got in touch on Thursday 19 Jan after I messaged her having done more drawings, the last time I’d been up at her studio in Richmond we’d discussed doing some of my watercolours and now I told her I’d decided what to do to prepare them for the walls, one she had in her studio was about Jeffrey Dahmer I wanted to add Posca marks it was too complex to explain which one to bring out of the several she had in her studio, too complex with SMS so she promised in her reply to bring them all, telling me she’d come out to Sydney the following Wednesday Wed 25 Jan yes that’s right precisely and that she had to go to a client in Maroubra as well so I’d be on the way to somewhere else I guess to make me understand it was no skin off her nose no charge to me. Rose the paper restorer she said had had a family situation and this would be why Rose hadn’t invoiced me for work already done, I’d asked Amanda about Rose who’d last messaged me in October the delay making me worry, Amanda added that Rose probably wouldn’t be worrying about invoices it was “not a priority” due to other things in her life but that she’d ask her for me send a reminder yes goodoh I pay what I owe.
Basia asked me if she could put on Instagram a photo of hoops of hers that’d come in the post, I’d let Basia use my post office box it’s secure and reliable they always email me when new items arrive I’d just picked the hoops up a day or so prior.
The hoops were packed in a flat box which I’d opened, I took the pieces out and unlocked them then when they’d flexed out a bit I’d inserted the revealed ends and locked the ends in place it was a simple enough operation the hoops sat up in my studio out of harm’s way so nobody could interfere with them they sparkle and shine though it became overcast and rained some days like on the Friday when the pool guy came and when the gardener was due to arrive in the afternoon at the time of writing hours away there was plenty of time for me to think of which things Amanda would bring I had space ready to hang them in the hallways on the first floor and near the front door with the war medals. I thought about a piece of text someone had added to Facebook a writer a friend of a friend put up a photo it was a paragraph or two about thinking when I read it it struck me I should get the woman’s philosophy book I was always interested in things describing how the brain works and to remedy the lack I noted down her name in my phone an app I’d used years before to write down thoughts when I was out on my walks from Pyrmont I moved house two years before writing this in 2020 it was a difficult time for three months I was homeless living with friends or in hotels then on 4 January I moved into the new house so much wall space compared to my old apartment the first house I’d lived in since the early 80s and that had been a semi the Botany house enormous when I drive on the foreshore drive other drivers in huge trucks the planes so close and noisy even more soundful than whipper snippers enormous sound just garden implements filling the sky bombing Dnipro oh curses curses Kavanagh QC curses he was also in ‘Inspector Morse’ same actor Thaw.
It was John Thaw the cold air the night before making me put on another blanket when they’d made the bed the cleaners had added it as was customary for them on their visits but I’d thrown it to the side it was still summer but the noise of a jet and cold air a breeze through the window open to the sky time to go downstairs my coffee almost finished second cup a brown cup with writing I’d unfollowed his brother on Facebook Michael gave it to me works for a union I worked for Antony for a number of years another dead-end job institutions deserve curses it was a curse that did it for me no thaw for this ice.
In the afternoon the gardener came he promised to be outside at 4pm and at 4.30 I messaged the young bloke who’d come with his dad in the morning now telling him the gardener hadn’t arrived and expressing my disappointment but about 15 minutes later Brett messaged me saying he was at another quote and was on his way when he rocked up I was standing outside, I’d asked him where he was coming from hoping in this way to anticipate his arrival I hated the doorbell half the time I didn’t operate it correctly and it failed curses technology missiles guided by computers everywhere everything all the time we use things guided by damn computers. Brett surveyed the disaster of the front lawn and said $40 I told him immediately I’d give him $50 got his whipper snipper and ripped the guts out of the grass I brought the green bin out from the garage and stuffed cuttings into it using the rake, it filled the thing right up to near the top so much grass it’d been the better part of a year uncut need Kavanagh QC something final and quick an end get it done finish it the job tradie he only cost charged me $50 a bargain I felt lucky it wasn’t raining but Brett said even if the grass is wet you can cut you just have to know how to do it a woman in Alexandria on Nextdoor had said she’d do it for $75 the young bloke James had said $50 I got what I paid for done insurance solved no more worries I’d call Brett again later in the year yah.
On 21 Jan it was New Year’s Eve in the lunar calendar Saturday we were planning to go to the Fish Market Ming’s parents were cooking so we’d bring food earlier in the month I’d solved the etymology of “country” it’s not obviously from the Latin friends Romans etcetera lend me your ears admirals vices ‘Kavanagh QC’ last episode but Ming was talking I only caught snatches of Thaw’s drama most of it passed me by don’t make me cry the drama about the Navy a court-martial Thaw wearing his little bib funny costume don’t make me blue black white how they dress in court so antiquated “country” from the Latin against etcetera against the other thing “contra” like contradiction or a word of that ilk contrary Ming yes she’s always against something I’ll never abandon Ming Omer a good friend yeah “country” not out of a curse from a relation us against them oh.
Late the night before Basia’d messaged me I was hiding making myself small in bed pulling the covers up to my chin like when I was small small like a teensy-weensy perhaps a mouse when I’m hiding but after I woke up and checked messages saw that she’d asked if we could talk the next day I hadn’t answered was making myself small the time difference when it’s morning here it’s evening in Poland opposite time contra “country” the thing opposed on the other side magic how we talk computers processing all those little pulses sending messages in packets one two no one zero yes on off open closed switches tiny microscopic the machinery so dear no no not so never again but expensive comes from Japan oh air conditioning systems controlled to the ends of tolerance no particles foreign matter clean rooms sanitary like operating theatres control systems like the ones used in refineries precision control to the second responsive always “on” nec plus ultra and then the solution perfect absolute complete cleanliness no particles not even the finest ones smaller than dust disastrous for integrated circuits tiny smidges of anything hair skin oh particles ruin chips microscopic switches clean perfect control “contra” opposite Basia wanted to talk I’d try to make time Ming’s parents New Year’s Eve dinner things to be bought we’d go by tram yes it was good then back to Pyrmont my old stamping ground for many years city views opposite “contra” the skyline I could see the casino rising day by day through the air coloured particles fires January the fires burning city cloaked in smoke tiny particles the air dirty with dry smoke in the end we made it to the Fish Market bought prepared food in quantity special too lobster specially cooked oh.
I put on a kilo.
If I want to remember a dream only part thereof I have to get back into bed. Snuggling up it returns to me good dream bad dream always entertaining in the early days of modernism they used dreams as a critique of society to populate their works “contra” realism that had crept in over centuries. I was reading a social history of the artist’s studio in the Renaissance became private privacy needed because all of a sudden artists drew from life a craze for figurative art fashion then later it changed again curiosities like the Chau Chak Wing Museum a gentleman’s study looks like it preserved specimens next to Renaissance painting a second-rate modernism work things collected in the early days of global travel not like catching a Jetstar flight to Bali ha nowadays everyone’s Cicero deploying rhetoric to achieve a goal instrumentalism all-pervasive hard to have an original vision nowadays grumble like an old man quit while you’re ahead John Thaw dead now gone dust ashes funky.
Talking about heads Basia asked me to take a photo of the hoops with my flash “on” it took me a while two goes exactly actually actuary notary lawyer KC now Liz dead I’m also not very good with technology two tries to work out how to turn “on” the flash it’s a difficult control two taps not one they try me with their demands tech IT geeks U2 hymnic choral soaring tunes iTunes download backup tech attack can’t escape this onslaught of “features” a flash so the hoops look different luminescent glowing like night snakes soaring song the videos Basia makes hooping with her friends flow a girl thing I should feel privileged she asked me the PO box safekeeping assemble click in place put them together here glowing on the table like a memory my dream last night the French teacher ghosted me I would fail my exams they cut me off cut out bad dream university God I graduated anyway it was for dad for him not Him oh Kavanagh QC thaw.
On 21 Jan Ming had her New Year’s Eve dinner at her place I put on a kilo her parents were there her mother cooked I ate lots of the veges lettuce beans the Fish Market lobster a hit with everyone I used my phone to talk with her father as usual we laughed about Ming innocent man like a kid said he’s sad to be Chinese money troubles and always working then they all talked to family overseas Omer called his parents as well his father has good English they all laughed I sat there lowering the blinds lifting the blinds opening the window then I left went home TV “on” it’s on standby all the time AGL usage tracking how accurate is it their events can save consumption when they’re on I get $5 off my bill each time power price going up every quarter Ming and Omer paying rent her parents insisted I had said it was fine she insisted, every dollar helps goodoh I drive over past the airport to get to her unit the cars under the cloudy sky a white Subaru overcast it’s coming toward me but it won’t hit me dual carriageway local roads haven’t used the new motorway yet connecting the M4 with the M8 mate how good So Good not milk a highly-processed alternative is it really good?
In the above photo is the NY Eve food too much for five people I opened some cab sauv Ming and her mum drank some her father declined I don’t drink anymore Omer of course Muslim won’t touch the stuff ton of food very good a feast for Chinese people food a kind of religion I told Wenjian that we’ve always had good food in Australia but we didn’t know how to cook it until migrants started coming 100 years since my grandfather arrived in a couple of years it was 1925 from Africa Wenjian said Moroccans look like Europeans soccer team did well in World Cup Brazil won in the end goal innocent talks all the time unstoppable eats a lot doesn’t seem to put on weight won’t drink the cab sauv I offered to host them the next day at my place but later that evening Ming said “next time” her mum and dad, sad a pity but it was because they wanted to eat the food at home.
I tried watching TV but Basia wanted to talk so I went upstairs with a pot of tea we discussed my accountant she wanted to know how it works with money in Australia when you’re retired money from government pension superannuation talk to the accountant don’t rely on what friends tell you I said, I said you have to get good advice the government changes the rules all the time have to do it legally but get highest benefit missed ‘Unforgotten’ anyway a repeat I’d seen parts of it before no loss.
Next morning it was raining but I’d already done my laundry. The night before I spoke with Yukiko about the clothes for Adelaide she’d shown the clothes to Adelaide she’d take them to her place in two weeks’ time said Ada “busy” her mind full of other things Basia said mother-daughter relationship I had said I could go back to the city to buy more maternity wear if needed there’s also David Jones I’d gone to Myer to get things sent six items Yukiko’d paid sales tax Ada said “thank you” Yukiko told me in a message Messenger ping the sound always a different sound to the native phone SMS or WhatsApp different ping no worries I don’t mind it's a privilege to be asked worse if they want to have no help at all cut off ghosted Kavanagh QC oh repeat love these stupid crime dramas old school friend giving crime tours of Melbourne told Basia last night I was born in Melbourne we talked about Melbourne a city I know nothing about moved to Sydney aged 10 days added colours Posca marks dark-grey mauve contrast “country” love the colours I adore colours country oh mixed with words paramontage red envelop Wenjian $50 put in the MoneyNote app a Japanese app very convenient for tracking expenses income just add an amount should I take more photos?
The cameras sitting unused on the entertainment cabinet next to the TV and a ceramic sculpture of a camera green-yellow SLR the gallery where I bought it is in Redfern coming back from Fish Market Ming said Redfern too far the bus trip she gets motion sickness so instead we went to Green Square normally I’d go to platform 18/19 trains to Redfern there but coming back from Fish Market instead we went to platform 23 Revesby via the airport different train platform train waiting as we came up the stairs quickly quickly just made it yes oh 15 Jan Sunday Japanese restaurant lunch the friend of a friend said my work “expressive” neutral term hard to know if she liked it but I took oh I took what I could get.
On my phone I’d shown her the rabbit I’d made four panels each A5 framer coming on Wed 25 Jan ten days later Basia told me to hold off on framing I got as many works framed as a gallery so much space in my house in 2021 I was buying lots of things via Facebook Marketplace for a song almost nothing an oil painting from Woy Woy $30 slight damage and frame soiled got it cleaned another one cost $20 from North Shore on Pacific Highway truck almost cleaned me up getting back into RAV4 got it cleaned some paintings from deceased estate in Bondi Junction cost nothing had one cleaned Amanda asked Chris to clean them Amanda puts D-rings in so I can put them up my rabbit expressive I love colours Basia said I use colours well red yellow green blue blue orange blue and the best one in the rabbit set is sepia it looks black but sort of heavy dull brown-grey oh trains are yellow also yellow studs on platform so you can feel them with your feet you can almost feel colours like a dream get back into bed every moment a dream live the dream oh colours green-yellow SLR next to TV standby power consumption will be $500 next quarter every little bit helps red envelope black text on white screen word processing software glare.
On 22 Jan wore my ‘Quadrant’ T-shirt had to explain to Omer he thought it was a programmer’s T-shirt perhaps that’s what they call them in Turkey I worked in IT for most of my life wasted years making someone else rich working for the Man South Australian election after-party music Gorillaz that morning 22 Jan pumped out the pool raining again not like March God no please anything but March oh it rained all year wettest year on record the whole city traumatised contents insurance premium went up from $1100 to $1700 doorbell not working from June to November I don’t even remember the name of the insurer I remember the money though I love colours the red of the rabbit compensation for the pain of paying more, the black not black actually but sepia black paint a different colour the Japanese watercolours “gloopy” the sales clerk said in the shop at the Rocks in December and two types of gold in 2023 hopefully we wouldn’t get rain like that again La Nina tending to ease off I heard on the news didn’t note down the date of that segment I watch TV all the time it’s the soundtrack for my life the ads a chorus.
On the day I added Posca marks to the 200gsm watercolours I spent hours looking at the two Japanese collages I’d made ‘Birds of a feather’ “things that are the same call their friends” and ‘At a loose end’ “kite on a broken strong” oh I worshipped these things I could look at them all day long all day long like that red ad for some sort of gloop women put on their faces hyaluronic acid something Maybelline what is the name of the brand Olay dad used to make fun of these things what was the word he used can’t remember now it’s 50 years since I heard him say the word my daughter doesn’t like stripes “borderline” her mother had said in Messenger I asked if she meant stripes she meant stripes so I got plain-coloured clothes sales tax owing on delivery was 1200 yen about A$15 plus 200 yen handling charge Yukiko paid I had to put a value on customs form I made a mental note to be more mindful she admonished me I said I couldn’t help it not a big amount but she said she was “surprised” when asked by the postal worker anyway he arrived I’d packed them a cardboard box cut down to size I have dozens left over the from the move they’re in the storeroom behind the garage went through there on 22 Jan to pump out the pool turn handle to “backwash” put pump on again sloosh gloopy sounds as the water is sent out the front of the building down the drain if I don’t pump out the pool it overflows into the storeroom ruining.
On the same day I took these garden photos, first the front lawn as it was post-barbering. It would dry up after this, the rain easing off for a few days so I could launder my sheets.
Then see below colocasias in the light well. I was particularly pleased with the little ones in the pot in the front of the photo, which’d been brought in from the deck and were very happy. This pot was sprouting several new plants.
In the afternoon I was sitting on the couch and saw a Facebook Marketplace ad for kitchenware so I got the address and scooted down to Brighton-le-Sands to load up the car. I spent the next two days washing the stuff, which filled the car and included a microwave and a fan, and mailed two boxes full to Japan for my family.
I met with the framer on 25 Jan when she came to deliver a whole bunch of stuff. The rest of the morning, which was very humid, I spent putting up pictures the walls filling up but with plenty of space left for the next lot like another episode of ‘Kavanagh QC’ fat man in history Jeffrey Smart’s study of the Cahill Expressway Bradfield the new town out at the airport what a ghastly name but suits western Sydney bogan we used to say “Westies” grey jeans Ugg.
I had asked Amanda her studio way out at Richmond near the air force base you drive past it the landing lights sticking up 70km/hr zone I asked her ‘Kavanagh QC’ the invoice so many staff in a barrister’s office no wonder they charge so much the paper conservator still hadn’t sent me her invoice but Amanda said Rose wasn’t that short of money she partly did the conservation work to keep busy if she really needed the money she’d send me the invoice I’d been fretting about a task to be completed with my mind working as always to close the circle like when I was a boy helping mum in the kitchen always putting things away in the cupboards she’d ask from time to time where something was and it would have been placed in its accustomed cupboard spot in my mind things “lived” somewhere they had their proper place I’d explain to Yukiko that something “lived” be corrected inanimate things in Japanese don’t “live’ anywhere but nothing was just itself it occupied a space in the world ideas the same was this the origin of a sense of justice a childhood propensity to tidy things up oh god.
I don’t know what this screenprint was titled can’t tidy up this conundrum ‘Lewis’ I never wrote anything on the paper it was rolled up several copies right there in with mum and dad’s records rolled in a bundle Rose straightened it out Amanda framed it in a recycled frame Bondi Junction deceased estate via Facebook Marketplace the print showing a man looking out over water with a sun setting only one sun on our world I think it was done in 1981 the year when I did a unit of practical at Sydney Uni during my bachelor’s degree I was studying fine art the hardest thing I’ve ever studied much harder than journalism the man was he me in the future I think the work should be titled ‘Regret’ or ‘The future’ what do you think it was as though at the age of 20 I was looking forward into the future my future now I’m 60 and I don’t remember making this gorgeous thing though I remember the studio where it was made Tin Sheds such skill I remember making it quickly I’d just got to the end of the unit of study the main artwork already completed a print showing Rushcutters Bay the railway viaduct in four colours this just black and white man oh just a quick thing dashed off the end of the unit done and dusted then silence for 40 years ‘Lewis’ a case killing policemen psychopath served 14 years in prison from the past got out Lewis working on a new case his sergeant attacked in hospital I was in hospital in 2000 New Year’s Eve the helicopters coming over in the sky the window in the ward Jikei idai then in September the day after I got back to Sydney the Twin Towers happened.
The Welsh dragon I also salvaged from mum and dad’s records Rose straightened this one out as well I like it very much and put it in the entranceway the other print went in the stairwell downstairs to the garage the dragon lovely innocent and raw I chose the red mount of course it was me ah yes I did select it out of many options the pure red with the thin gold frame it looks lovely I don’t know when they bought it mum and dad went to Oxford to play dress-ups in 1981 ‘Inspector Morse’ ‘Kavanagh QC’ John Thaw fat man dad was interested in genealogy in his retirement perhaps that was the reason why the Deans from Cheshire near the Welsh border it has a date 1984 in the corner signed by a person whose name is indecipherable a pity but who cares so much a pity much has been lost pity including time searching for lost time gone forever never to be replaced perishable like fruit throw it in landfill do I compost it does it smell on the kitchen bench.
The screenprint of a tank to commemorate Putin’s invasion of the year before I put in the entranceway my brother made this when he was small it has “PJD9” in the corner presumably year nine I don’t know I’ll have to ask him if he remembers he was very clever I have several of his works on the walls now Amanda left me a load of stuff this visit messaged from the street I met her outside she’d told me 15 minutes to the destination my place the destination and plenty more space more to be delivered the house so big spaces empty I have hooks and drops can accommodate more a pleasure to be surrounded by art my life I spoke with Basia in the evening we talked about the past my father cropped up in the conversation I wasn’t very forgiving this time I think people have this false idea of my capabilities I’m not consistent and this troubles them I’m allowed to waver I’m human no harm in it my choice life be in it yeah compost it on the bench does it smell throw it out.
Reminds me the screen-print man looking out to sea put in a frame from a deceased estate the handyman looking after the apartment lodged an ad on Facebook Marketplace I jumped in the car had just hung the laundry out to dry got to Bondi Junction parked took bookcase came back for paintings a different buyer was at the front door I got in lift in front of him handyman said “first in best dressed” so no dramas yeah, picture and a mirror plus all these empty frames this lovely frame with a ribbed gold construction from South Africa I wonder never knew the name of the man or woman who’d died how could I know deceased estate the mirror sold immediately put an ad on Facebook Marketplace a woman snapped it up drove over in her car got rid of it the lovely thing made of wood ‘Lewis’ another dead body.
In the stairwell I put one print by an old family friend Pixie ‘Brownies’ the blue mount chosen as usual by me yours truly who talks like that only on letters but not now what do young people use to finish letters do they even write letters anymore probably not email at best letters a thing of the past lost like time forgotten ‘Lewis’ a relic of an unregretted age ‘The pharaoh’s daughter’ a screen print mine same blue mount lovely thing in stairwell filling up empty spaces I messaged my brother about the tank print he didn’t reply what is it with Fred oh god never replies unless it’s about technology ‘Brownies’ by Pixie O’Harris I have several of her things a set like this one to send to Japan the pictures not yet delivered and below a screenprint from the same era Ming wanted it in her bedroom I think she said it was fun ‘George Street shuffle’ good design always take whatever compliment people give lucky if they even look at it a low opinion of art most why father steered me away from a career as a painter so I got my degree two years of French in addition to seven years at school when do I read French perhaps sometimes a film I have subtitles on don’t need to understand what Macron says turn on subtitles on TV the bastard Macron “contra” in the shuffle.
Ming wanted to watch a YouTube video with no English subtitles on 26 Jan so I decided to make more watercolours this time taking phrases used optimistically in ads starting with four used to sell cars and insurance. I positioned dead birds (or perhaps they’re only sleeping) on top of the bands of colour and then added words to make the slogans in each of the works. The next day I finished them and started a different series (also a set of four) but this time with the theme of apparel starting with a kinky boot Nike “just do it”. I then did a series with the theme of time looked up slogans on my phone what phrases did manufacturers use to sell watches Basia said in relation to the first two series that the world needed positive words she also liked the colours I took her ideas and stored them away like a squirrel use later when will that happen life endlessly fascinating at least with art you made something, useful works of art can always be put up on a wall like thoughts of the drama last night before going to bed lasting into sleep or else ‘Kavanagh QC’ Oxford dress-ups.
The words kept coming and the list of possible phrases was endless as long as I watched TV or caught the bus I’d find something to employ in this way on the morning of 28 Jan I had no idea how long the jag would last I love watching the ads sometimes they’re better than the regular programming they tell stories all in the service of sales I worked selling things from the age of 12 the shop my first classroom outside of school I learned that the customer is always right we’d work in the gift shop during holidays to earn money Christmas especially busy sales high. The first work is shown below.
I decided to do standalone works this time because it’s easier than the ones with the four panels, I can make four works in the same time it takes to make one 4-panel work more efficient use of time always saving time movement get a cup of coffee on the way to the door always saving money I’m on a pension now but there’s a cost to everything in life you give and you get with these works I was always getting material every time I sat down to watch a stupid crime drama so much work goes into them they’re like works of art I told Simon with the art group early on that in the future they’ll judge us by such works collectively what we watch on TV at least I’m sampling the demotic product not things of the elite ‘Kavanagh QC’ is he elite or is he of the demos can’t decide I like hearing British accents wonder how they’ve changed over time the last work in the second series is shown below.
‘Apparel IV’ came to me when I was on the 309 bus at Epsom Road another bus turning into Botany Road had this slogan on its side an optometrist a chain of stores offering cheap eyewear hearing aids “Should’ve gone to” it is in my head still now oh God but does it really make my life better I don’t even need glasses.
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