Wednesday, 27 July 2016

Starting to feel more normal

I've been posting from time to time about how I feel now that mum has gone. The problem of what to do in the mornings still exists but I have started to feel a bit more normal on and off over the last day or so. It's a big change in my feelings of wellbeing and for me clearly signals a new era in the process of recovery since mum passed away on the first day of the month.

It's hard to identify just what has changed over the past day or so. There is no specific cause that I can unambiguously put my finger on apart from the fact that probate on the will is now progressing. I had some conversations with my brother about the will and he seems to be satisfied with the way things turned out. That might have something to do with it, but it's uncertain because the change has been so dramatic. As for what exactly has changed, again it's hard to put my finger on it but the fact is that I don't have that crushing feeling of depression any more, a feeling that nothing was right in the world and that I could not tolerate just to be.

Being comfortable with yourself is important because a lot of other things are predicated on your ability to feel comfortable in your own skin. If you cannot feel normal then you tend to seek ways to alleviate the discomfort, and you might for example turn to artificial substances - such as alcohol, as has been true in my case - to bring you back to a feeling of normalcy. This has obvious disadvantages, especially long-term, as you then risk becoming dependent on such measures in order to maintain the feel of normalcy. Substance abuse can have such undramatic and unsurprising origins as this, it has to always be remembered.

So I feel normal walking down the passageway in the apartment between rooms. And I feel normal in the mornings when I sit in front of the computer with the TV on in the background. There is a sense of hope, a sense that things can be managed and even, perhaps, enjoyed. This sense of wellbeing is essential for me to feel normal. It might be the same for you, I cannot say, but it certainly is the way it is for me. 

1 comment:

Unknown said...

I am glad to hear you are feeling a bit better ... It does take time